Continued On Third Page Following with Douglass Barre
Comic News Authority is a relatively young site, having only started twenty minutes ago in the imagination of Dan Taylor. However, that hasn’t stopped us from looking forward into the future for new ways to improve the way you read our comic news product. While the “Comic News Authority Manifesto” has been proudly posted, its twin document, the “Comic News Authority Secret Plan For World Domination” has remained securely hidden…
This shattering expose reveals that not only will CNA be the greatest comic news site ever, but it will propel the editorial board to riches and fame not seen since the “Standard Rich And Famous Contract” of the Lew Lord days.
What, I hear you ask, are these plans? Our super secret source spills the beans:
1. Make Lists Longer!
It has become an industry standard to offer lists of fifteen randomly-gathered facts (sometimes split into eight facts with seven others that contradict them.) Not only do these “listicles” sound vaguely profane, but they also contain odd numbers, which everyone knows are the worst kind of numbers. CNA has researched a new method of adding one more fact, bringing our lists to sixteen, which is not only an even number, but a true square! As anyone who follows professional sportsball knows, sixteen is higher than fifteen, so therefore wins.
2. More Viewing Options!
While there are few phrases in the english language more soothing than “view article on one page,” we all know that America is founded on freedom and liberty. Why should we only be allowed to have two choices of how to read our article? Here at CNA, we will offer a complete “article viewing dashboard,” giving the reader to simulate any sort of reading experience they want. Do you prefer to switch back and forth between multiple tabs? We can separate the article into dozens of pages to read simultaneously! Does your ADD prevent you from reading things in a linear fashion? Select “sentence randomization” and we’ll mix up the whole thing to simulate trying to remember where you were before you accidentally clicked a link referring to the last article we posted about the same thing or rolled over an advertisement for something you didn’t know we knew about your secret shopping habits!
3. Speaking of ads…
Sure, it’s nice when ads give you fifteen (or maybe sixteen!) seconds to start the article before overriding your screen and making you watch a video before bumping you back to the beginning… but we know that CNA readers want more intrusiveness than the average reader. Our advertising will not only fill margins on both sides of your screen and interrupt the reading flow with banners but now will actually soak into the spaces between words! The products you love will redirect your browser and open new windows, making reading our content not just difficult, but puzzleiciously fun!
4. Automatic Tweet-to-Article Functionality.
We know you follow the twitter feeds of your favorite comic creators, but sometimes the 140-character limit doesn’t allow for the kind of in-depth analysis and gossip that you expect from your comic news. With CNA‘s Tweet-to-Article function, we’ll be able to take even the most mundane tweet from a comic writer and bang it into a full-fledged news article. “You Won’t Believe What Scott Snyder Ate For Breakfast (And How It Ties Into Batman!)” is so much more enticing than “Had a bagel today that I spread crm cheese on in the shape of #BatSignal,” don’t you think?
5. More News About Things That Didn’t Happen.
The comic industry isn’t always doing enough things to get out fifteen (or maybe sixteen) articles a day to keep your eyes busy and distracted from the novel you’re supposed to be writing instead. So we’ve pioneered a new method to remind you of all the things that might have happened but didn’t. Articles like “The Chris Pratt Booster Gold Movie That Never Was” and “Fifteen Times Mister Fantastic Didn’t Get A Solo Miniseries” can entertain you for hours with the comic news equivalent of Craiglist’s missed connections!
6. Snarky Humor Articles.
What? No, that’s probably not a good idea. I mean, there are some levels to which even we won’t sink.